Never.

i used to say i could not
comprehend the meaning of
"never", that i could not
imagine saying i would
"never" see someone again, or
speak to someone again, or
do any given thing
ever again, that its meaning
was indefinite, unknowable, because
just as nothing is forever
nothing is ever.. never, even
"though it is used just as often
just as often as it is used
it is never true," so i thought
to myself i thought these words were
true, nothing could be so
until, that is, until
tonight, in a moment of purity
clarity, i thought, there is a never
there are many a
Never will i sing with Dad again
Never will he hug me
Never will i talk with him about
the events of life, that were always so
clear to him, explicable to him
Never will i walk with him around
the neighborhood we called home
Never will i hear him laugh
Never will he save me from mistakes...
So you see, never exists..
Just as we will Never see the end of Forever,
it is also true:
Never will my life be as simple as i Never knew it was.

- Jessica Mary

Clarity

The morning brings a sense of clarity
so they say
after sleeping on the questions of
the day, like salt crystals
disintegrating with the sweat of
the night, absorbed into the skin
becoming one with the truth beneath it,
gone, evaporated into answers from
the center of the subconscious
honest, truth but
the answers change
morning to morning
even though the questions remain
the same, morning to morning
just as the sky presents its blue today
its gray yesterday, its nourishing rain
before that, the hue of the
resolutions change, whilst no
decisions are made, no action taken
such constant transformations
raise more salt beneath a dream
is it possible, to not know -
to not know the desires of the very essence
that breeds all thoughts, all words,
all emotions for and about, for,
when all that is revealed in several days' time
is uncertainty, what other inference
could be made? Today it was as clear as
it was yesterday, it was the day prior, yet
such clarity does not promise harmony
in its consistent use,
knowing the answer is an impossibility
having the answer is not
the answer, no,
to relish in all that is unknown
to revel in the mystery
to savor the anticipation of
tomorrow's irresolute clarity
is the answer.

- Jessica Mary

New to Fall

Apart from his ears and the
scent of restaurant in his hair
I can't imagine much more
that I'd pass by without
noticing the looks he gives me, his
eyes glued to mine as though
unable to pull away, look away
intensifying glances, building
up to me, but to him, what
are these moments that pass to him?
just more minutes to melt into the
hours just as before? or are
these moments creating a future neither
he nor I can foresee? I wonder
if the small things that turn me off are
but large, important things in
disguises to reel me in, distract me from
his kindness, his endearing insecurity, from
his hands that do nothing but create,
nourish, beautify all they touch, from
his shoulders, his arms, strong enough
to carry me, catch me when
I fall over and over, it's only
moments before I fall again, only
the moments build ledges, higher and higher
taller than before, the fall will be longer
the impact of the bottom, harder
but he can catch me..
he will catch me
if I want him to.

- Jessica Mary

No More

I give you three words, I
feel them from my core and
whisper them as I dive into your eyes
I love you.
Then you give me three in return
you feel them throughout your being
utter them with intent and emotion
I miss her.
Why do you choose to
hurt me, cut me, rip the flesh
from the very heart that beats
for you?
It leaks the blood that raced through
my veins, faster with the sight of you
covers my soul, scarlet stains
because of you.
The pounding in my chest weakens
My hand leaps from yours
My heavy head falls, weighted and weary
Why her?
You are ugly in your woe as
you wallow in a walled, winter-stricken place
colorless, saline from those tears you cry
for her.
So now you must go, go far away
from the splendor of my world, and
the beauty of all that I wanted to give
to you.
Go, so I may strain the venom from my blood
and invite the gentle warmth of another
to tend to what you have poisoned
with care.
You have torn me apart for the last time
There’s nothing left to break
The heart that held the love I had for you
Is gone.

- Jessica Mary

Drown, again (10/16/2010)

Am I invincible, or am I stuck
in taut invisibility, it's getting
hard to tell
what i'm trying to do while I'm letting myself
fall for you, I feel myself heavy
sinking deep into this fertile soil, of this
riverbed, water rushes past me, seemingly
through me it passes, racing with so
many things I could crouch down and reach for
many things I could learn to want, over
time tell me to stop standing here
but the weight of this feeling doesn't
seem to pass in this stream as I thought
it would, it should, it must I fear
for the sake of survival, of not drowning as
I sink deeper, my ankles covered
stains from the richness I miss cover my
breast, as once it swallowed me,
I sank without attempts to free myself,
willingly, passionately, ardently I fell, I nearly
drowned then, so why do I so earnestly tempt
these depths once more?

- Jessica Mary

Stranger

Unexpected, real darkness in a room of
artificial lightness, light artificiality
desirably undesireable
you sat, I stood, you looked,
I saw your head turn in
my patient eagerness to
feel you move me
this way, come that way
pleasure in painful curiosity
company in thoughtful, artul solitude
climactic ecstasy amid a river of depression
tides upon waves of peacefulness
contentment in solitary togetherness
the mystery suffocates to wonder
the consciousness deadens to calm
the racing of my heart paralyzes...
the comfort of you is discomforting, Stranger
blackness in my memory causes
not fear of dark but relief in this
dark your eyes, light your skin
I will invite darkness to my yesterdays
if it means you may light my tomorrows,
as today, so different, so
strange to my past, Stranger
yet, so familiar to my future.

- Jessica Mary

Make-Up Mind

I want so much of him but
I can’t focus long enough i
can’t be sure long enough to show
how I truly feel about him
his face when he’s concentrating
how he bites his bottom lip when he
thinks about unnerving things
his eyes, when they glass over with
thoughts of all he wishes he were, the way
he walks toward me and my heart floats
atop my lungs, upward toward my throat,
trying to escape, trying to reach him
trying to reveal itself to him, but it…
won’t it be easier if I swallow it down?
behind the smile I fake for him?
beneath the layers of plastic denial
I created for him to melt through?
I’m cold then warm then cold
toward him I’m drawn but will not
let myself
be.

- Jessica Mary

Craving

Craving,
so relentlessly I crave
the intangible wrinkles you
do not yet have
I crave you
fifty years from now
when your skin has thinned
fallen in
I crave your
future endeavors and
everywhere you may go
shielding your wrinkles from the sun
Craving,
all you will be
in the days you know so well
your age
I crave the lines
you’ll have beside your eyes
deep, accompanying your
addicting smile.
I crave the gray
that will take over the
darkness of your hair
of your arms.
I crave your
experience, your
memories, all the thoughts
that contain us
I crave the day
I will place my wrinkled cheek
to your wrinkled cheek
and dance.

- Jessica Mary

this glue

Sometimes you realize that what you
thought would be all the time is nothing
but some of your time leaks into the forever
you never believed in, and out of
it comes and goes as every breath to and
from your lungs you pull the strength
to move on means to forget, or does it mean
to forgive is a true feat, as though your feet step
leaving the rest of your body, your essence
behind you, so where you are in this moment
you are without a part of you, who you are right now
is not who you were before, your feet
carry you away from the memory, but in that you lose
the “you” you were and become
someone else, until you find something that can
pull you back together,
tape, glue and goop
like love, faith and peace could possibly do it all, in
your mind breaks apart your head, these
pieces are the peaces of you, put them
together we can do it, I’ve done this before
forgiveness has been given for you
if you’d just
hold still, you’ve put your head on wrong
your heart doesn’t go there, let me show you
just wait, it will beat again, but here,
I’ll help you paste it around your soul, just
don’t touch me, I know where this goes
stop, I’m too soft, I’ll just build you from the feet that
brought you to this
stand before me, hands away from me
don’t touch me or you’ll mold me, you hold me
too hard, I’m covered in your fingerprints, yes
those are yours, you don’t remember? It’s okay.
stand back, don’t worry, I’ll cover those up, just
sit still, let me fix you first
I’ll mend me later.

- Jessica Mary

Time

So often I hear “time heals all wounds” and “just give it time.” The more I think about it, the less I believe such statements. It’s not just time. It’s what you choose to do or not do in that time that heals all. If something happened between myself and another, or myself and the universe (as it seems to be of late), I could very easily obsess over the situation, attempting to fix something that couldn’t be fixed. I could lock myself in my room, wallowing in grief and sadness over what could have been.

So, you see, time does not deserve the credit. It doesn’t wait for you. It doesn’t give you pause so that you may heal. It passes regardless. It’s independent of all you experience. It is even when you are not. Thus, time does not heal. It’s the introspection and second-guessing you do to yourself in the days that pass. It’s the thought you put into the situation over the following weeks. It’s the changes you go through in your daily routine, thought processes and feelings. It’s coping with fears and insecurities. And, above all, it’s the forgiveness you show yourself thereafter.

I can wait to forgive. I can wait to figure myself out. I can wait to heal myself. Or, I can do it now. I choose now.

hope is in the hiding

Lost, simply floating
amidst an endless abyss
of beauty and betrayal, an
everlasting ocean of options and
indecision, desires and insatiability,
aimlessly and without pause I
blend into those around
me, you cannot see me what
you see is not me, but the
me you made out of parts of
the whole me; no one knows me
I'm hidden, flying beneath
a knitted shroud, light peeking in
through the holes from all directions, stand
there, come closer;
I'll build your intrigue
with my creative hands of mystery that I use
to cover my scars, my raw heart
the hands that hold my blood, run through it
move to the right, you'll see another side
come no closer to the holes in my sheath
too much you'll never see, back up
that's enough of me, leave me
to drift about, away, you could never know
all of me is nothing to all you want
all of me is for only to me
turn around, you're blocking the light
I can't see all of me with you
standing there, beside me, let go
I'd rather be lost, shrouded, wildly soaring without end
than found, open, bound to your uncertainty.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #24

I love you. I love
you. I love you. I love you.
It's you that I love.

- Jessica Mary

Peace

I sit in the dewy grass, breathing deeply
Imagining the air I exhale is paired with all the dark shadows
of my past, present, and impossible futures
Imagining the air I inhale is coupled with all the love and kindness
of my past, present and tangible futures
And in this moment I am at peace
I am at peace with the reality of your indifference
with the hostility of all the looks around me
with all the things that will never be
with every moment I shared with him that live
only in my memory
with every dream I have where he is living
with my lack of control over anything
but my own actions and, some day, my own thoughts
When I let these thoughts go
there is no gravity in my world
they soar above all emotion and reason
and create a world in which there is no selfishness
where the pain thrust upon me
can be exhaled with all else that is toxic
where my love does not go wasted
but is finally opened to be given to all that
are also open to it, who want it and give it freely in return
finally my heart is open to its full capacity
I can be free, I can sit in this lustrous bed
that nature has made for me, for this moment
for this moment, I am truly myself
here I can realize my own path, from it all the turns
I will never take, the turns that are only distraction
I see those that walked with me for many years but
that have since moved on from this trail
I see those I already know who will walk with me to the end
You see, the journey I see you cannot see
from happiness to painfulness I am the only one to see it all
to feel it all, and I am the only one that must continue down it
your journey may take you from my side
but I trust you will find your way
all I ask is that you let yourself be happy
that you let yourself find peace
it’s already there, within you, and
in God who lives there, too
the forgiveness, the joy, the faith, they are already there
waiting for you to find them, and just know
if ever you need a guide, I will light the way
with all the love I have for you.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #23

I must figure out
how to be addicted to
not being with you.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #22

I sit in a world
all my own because all I
feel does not matter.

- Jessica Mary

addicted.

It’s too painful to watch you but
it’s even more painful not to
I am helpless to my addiction to
hoping you’ll come back to me.
A relentless, forceful, hopeless hope
it is the only one I shouldn’t have
it is the one that could stop my beating heart
from wanting anything at all
anything at all but you embrace me in every memory.
You swim in my blood so
I cannot live without you
you’ve intoxicated me, each minute
in the absence of you is one minute
closer to the rest of my life without you
I may be able to survive like this
but I cannot live like this
antagonized, you are not who I know you to be
protagonized I cannot bear to see you from afar
what once was a whisk is now a throb that
pulls in with grief
and pushes out for relief, so vain my hope
days that pass in bliss are half as
happy as they would be if you
were with me
what’s the point of beauty if
all that sticks is ugliness apart from you
I’m growing, I swear, a life without
you, within me, that strengthens
every day I realize you’re not coming back
if I can’t fix you, why do I hope in vain
for you to want me to? Such wishes only
exist to disappoint but I can’t help it
I’m still addicted to dreaming
of you with me
an impossible
reality.

- Jessica Mary

haiku #21

Maybe you simply
always will be a little
outside of my reach.

- Jessica Mary

haiku #20

Sometimes you have to
look through someone else's eyes
to see you're just fine.

- Jessica Mary

haiku #19

To forgive is to
dance in harmony with the
love you cannot give.

- Jessica Mary

her/love

It's only when your heart
is broken that you can love
to your potential.

More room is made for
those who accept your love and
do not reject it.

All the love you still
hold is raw, yearning to be
given to the world.

But know your whole heart
cannot be given until
you heal it yourself.

Know this before you
let her leap, because she'll love
you before you do.

She will sit alone
at night wondering why no
one will fight for her.

- Jessica Mary

It Ends

Just as the clouds pass
and transform not one thing we
know lasts forever.

Joy, pain, love, missing
someone who is no longer
there.. Everything ends.

- Jessica Mary

EPL

"Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Haiku #18

The calm after the
storm is much easier than
the calm before it.

- Jessica Mary

one way

The only me I
know to be is the me you
don't want to be with
right now, you say. So
I'll go on, fearless as I
once was. Love me or
love me not, I will
cope now in the only way
i know. I go. Flying today
tomorrow is just another day
like today
cloud to my left, sun to my right
ahead is nothing i can see
i am blind. i am without hope
without dissatisfaction
without emotion for me
complete with devotion to one
thing i cannot grasp
i cannot seem to have
nothing to anyone worth fighting
for me, someday i will be
until then, i'm on a one way
street to nowhere you know
the only place i know to go
you can't meet me there
over there
you cannot enter here
maybe these heights will be such
that you cannot resist
but know they exist
without them
within me
this is a one way street
wide enough for one.

- Jessica Mary

tonight.

If only people
could see the hurt they cause by
words and inaction.

Her eyes scarred without
a wound my skin burnt inside
her stare, razed in grief.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #17

how much pain will i
let in before i shut down
from your disint'rest?

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #16

Birds and secaidas,
breeze, blanket, sunshine, perfect...
do you remember?

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #15

The sun pours into
your eyes, and so helplessly
I fall in. I drown.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #14

Like the wind through the
trees above our heads, my love
for you can’t be stopped.

- Jessica Dillon

Haiku #13

You say mistakes were
made, but it’s those mistakes I
don't want to forget.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #12

When the chance to move
from the pain arises do
you take it or cope?

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #11

If it’s a gaffe to
be with you, I’ll gladly bear
karma’s punishment.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #10

Hope is but a state
of dissatisfaction, of
desire for figments.

- Jessica Mary

Dad

From beyond the grave
it seems you give me the strength
to be me, always.

Your memory lives
to give an example of
what I should strive for.

I just wish I could
have thanked you when I could still
embrace you after.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #9

what i'd give just to
be able to tell you once
more, "i love you, Dad"...

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #8

All I want to do
is love, but it seems my world's
set on stopping me.

- Jessica Mary

Like Slow Venom

like slow venom it sickens
the Pain brought by a truth of heart
as I realize you can’t be here
and I can’t be there
for you, with you is all I can think
I want to be, while with you is all you know
you don’t want me to be.

Like slow venom is eats away
at the heat of my blood
at the strength of my beating heart
each minute is a new fang in my skin
pouring poison, staining all peace pestiferous
more venom, less love
less heart, more uncertainty
more doubt, less willingness
less intention, more loneliness.

Like slow venom it sinks
melting through the thickness
of all I’ve built to protect my
heart, leaving less of it to give
away from all of this I wish to run
but it’s trapped within me
breaking me, piece by piece
who will want to pick up
every piece of me now?

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #7

How is it that some
will always mean more to you
than you mean to them?

They make me want to
erase my memories so
they mean less as well.

- Jessica Mary

haiku #6

How much can I give
before the fact that few care
makes me give it up?

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #5

fingers on my skin
like knives pierce through, my layers
are gone, I am raw.

- Jessica Mary

Hope.

If all that I saw wasn’t real
How can I be lost without it?
A reality within dreams I really
Thought would be dreamt
By the rest of what was real
To me
It seems doubt exists without all
That I imagined, hoped
Hope.
Such a deceitful thing
Cowers upon first glance of what
It truly is. Falls from beneath your feet
That you’d only planted there
For support
In nothingness
Hope can never be honest
Hope can never be trusted
Hope can never be real
When it is nothing you can touch
When it’s nothing anyone else can see
When it’s all you’ve used for your reality
Hope is a cliff
Hope is the end of a fall that never ends
Hope is a figment of all you see
It’s a way for you to believe in things
That will never be
They can never be
Hope will not catch you
Hope will not carry you
Hope will only deny you for it is only
Within denial that it can exist
Without reality.
You let it.
You jumped.
You fell.
You fall.
Hope will never catch you.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #4

the hardest thing is
knowing that nothing i do
or have can fix you.

I want to do something great.

Without You

As a tree beneath a sky overcast
clouds shielding the bearer of life
I wish I could see your face
smile wide, cry deep,
stare blankly through me;
death would come easy if it were to
come at the end of a life without you;
though I may stand, feet still
the ground you see is nowhere
becoming somewhere only if
it cradles your feet, too;
the air I breathe is empty
it does not sustain my body
unless it comes from your lungs;
the cleansing drops of rain I feel
are the remnants of tears I once cried
no more, so long;
they collect in the barrels of my mind
in hopes that my heart will open
enough to let them out, free them;
Tasteless without the bitter sweetness
of all that you are to me
anything that is to nourish, does not
without the flavor of your skin;
I am faceless if your eyes do not gaze upon me
I am faithless if you have no faith in me
I am empty if you will not love all that is within me
so come, my beloved
so that I may bask in your sun
standing with you, toe to toe
on this ground that does not exist
without you on it
beneath the sky, cloudless in your loveliness
between the paths of those that pass in doubt
before one another, your lips against my forehead
your hands in mine
make me real.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #3

In my mind is a
world where you remain, and we’re
still in your arms, Dad.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #2

It was not before
I came to love you that I
began to fear you.

- Jessica Mary

As Autumn Leaves

As leaves from an autumn tree strewn across by a violent wind
my feelings are thrown into a roaring passion
soaring along at heights my mind cannot reach
they beat against my lips
words try to escape just to be uttered
my skin may break trying to keep them in.
caress my skin with your lips, heal the cracks
keep these affections beneath all you see
perhaps with one more kiss
I will not have to say all that’s building within me
perhaps I can show you these cliffs
and you can show me the other side.
but no, better my skin tear than
the wind die down and not move me
ardently my heart pounds
can you see it beat outside my breast?
my affection is seeping out of my chest
please don’t read it, don’t taste it
all I want is for it to heal, make you whole
but I fear its strength will intoxicate you
I fear you will want it alone
apart from me
I fear without me
it will nourish you still even in leaving me.
And, so I wonder
if these fears only ravage within
because true love cannot exist without
it.

- Jessica Mary

Hoping Downward

Can you not see it?
Love that pours from the blind grasp
you have on my heart.

Against the harsh winds
I'll walk with you, give refuge
to your wanderings.

Beat me down. Make me
the ground, as I want but you
to grow into me.

- Jessica Mary

Heart.

Disquietude erodes my heart, barbarically puncturing
Blood falls through the holes, pouring over my soul
My mind tries to sew, but leaves spaces between
Thoughts of the positive shredded by
The negativity of truth, this reality
Cannot be reasoned with, some things cannot be
Ignorant of my plea, "Please, please me."
"No." Can't shake the inevitable, pain is bound
To come.. bound to me... bound to every chance I take
every leap I make, each feeling I fabricate
I still fall alone, while to you I simply subside
Just as the sanguine fluid of my being spills over
Renders lifeless my heart, unable to hold
Helpless in the rile of my piercing uncertainty
only bred my experience, stentorious doubt
No, reality cannot strengthen but fear
How many times this has been battered
passed only time before I began breaking it myself
to feel your hand around my bleeding heart
such thoughts are my demise, no reality but qualm therein lies
Nothing else left but to breathe pure faith, filling my lungs
though my blood still streams, dark red, staining
more ardent it becomes, eventually building
stones across the hollow, fulcrums against the weak
of my ever-torn, desiring heart.

- Jessica Mary

Empty

For a deep drum to amply resonate
and wholly commit its bellowing richness
it must be fully empty within
so must one's heart be
it must be empty before it can be filled
for it to steadily and truly beat for new love
it must be emptied of the old
which hinders, dampens
inhibits the heart from opening enough
without guard, it deadens the warmth
and eventually abates the desire to beat at all.

- Jessica Mary

Brokenly Bent

Mountains majestic, without intention of perfection
they stand tall, a collection
of broken rock, as I am a mass
of broken experience
waters of rivers, and those that fall
admired in their turbulence, ever changing
as my mind, never certain, always set
to fall in the same place, end
in the same place my heart will bend
just to begin
again.

- Jessica Mary

Life, Half-Hearted

Do you ever wonder why some things happen and some things don’t? Why you come across someone who is to mean nothing to you and lose another that is to mean everything? It has the appearance of a cycle.. a pattern that cannot be identified or predicted. Never-ending. Everlasting. Daunting at times. Haunting at others. It is marvelously terrifying in truth. And heroically deceitful in fiction. Its mischief lies in its inevitable ability to make you believe you have some sort of control, whether through action, inaction, words, silence, regret or faith. However, especially the latter breeds a sort of discontent within my soul, for I hear of this all too often. What is more worthy of fear than to believe in something as some sort of plan for the unforeseen.. a contingency plan perhaps? To pour only half of one’s heart into something just in case that into which the other half is poured is an ominous mistake? For what is a half a heart but no heart at all? What is a partial soul but no soul at all? In the same way, then, one could infer that if all of one’s heart is emptied into something or someone, a memory or a hope, a regret or a gratitude, then there is no more heart to be given to others of the same nature. This is to say, if one’s present being lies in the pain of a past regret, what possible hope can he have for the future? None. Without the emptying of one’s mind, body and soul into one cause, one belief, one matter, he lives with only pieces of each, unable to sustain his true self. Only in this offering is the imperceptible pattern of friends and unfriends, happenings and unhappenings, fully accepted in its unmistakable, relentless nature for what comes and does not come is forever inept to be understood.

- Jessica Mary

Justice Impossible

Parce que je ne sais pas ce que je veux, je crois
Que ce ne peux pas être juste, pas cette fois ;
Je n’aurais jamais dû dire ces choses
Comme mon cœur criait! Et trop tard je l’expose.

- Jessica Mary

Ramblings of What You Don't Know

Sometimes you never know where these days are going to go. Sometimes they bring you up. Sometimes they take you low. A grave day is the first not the last is the only one in which you know where you’re going. The rest are a mess of a life all straightened up, cleaned up, going up, fall down, breaking down. It’s the process from beginning to end to beginning to middle to never to forever to whatever sees it passing does nothing. Affects nothing. We go on with decisions we make trying never to look back when in reality we know we messed up one time, two times, all the time. We cover. We meddle. We peddle back and forth just trying to stay up, but when it falls we always crumble, in whose hands? We’ll never know. I’m in a different place than you are even though you see my feet, they are not grounded in the same place you are. Tomorrow is a different day than tomorrow is for you. It’s a fact to face but could you ever know it even if it stares you in the face? I can’t pretend anymore even though it grabs me by my hand and begs me not to say a word. I’m not faking, I’m not forsaking, I’m simply taking what is mine. What you want to be mine. What’s mine is yours. But what’s yours is not mine. That’s the way it goes I guess. I give, you live. You take, I mistake you for someone I once knew.

- Jessica Mary

Alone

A distantly familiar pain again envelops the body, flooded the heart and saturated the soul as though I were floating amidst it all the while. Then, I was struck. I was dented. I was punctured allowing it to drench me from within. Its intensity numbs my nerves making it difficult to move, to breathe. Its venom paralyzes my mind so any sense, any caution, any means to keep from drowning is rendered powerless. Inherent optimism attempts to float. Overactive imagination struggles to swim. Foolish love wrestles the ferocious falls and engulfing waves flowing from the wound, but all in vain. Any dreams I have labor as though mid flames and not these merciless floods. Out of nowhere this came. One moment my being soared above all trials, all which threatened, and was shot down heartlessly. Left to flail. Left to fall alone. So now, I sit, lie, walk, run, stand… I no longer know. All that is human has left me. I simply am.. I am submerged. I am hurt. I am wounded. But for this, there is no medicine. No cure. No treatment whatsoever. Along this path that is mine alone I came alone I shall go alone is all I know how to be. A minute, a mile, a moment, half of a lifetime is how long I’ll be with you. With her. With him. With all of you. But forever with me. A soul separates from the me you see but remains a piece of the me I’ll never cease to be. Dripping with the watery pain mind, heart and soul are eventually wrung out by what most would call ‘time’.

- Jessica Mary

Crazed Glass

As a sole shard of crazed glass,
sitting in a thousand directions,
see through me, past outside confections,
clear in no one’s eyes, cracked and spattered
intricate imperfection, quiet, momentous agony
peeking through the almost brokenness, light shines
moving across me, shadows moving along
like the sun through leaves amidst eager winds
beneath the tender radiance, dusted in its brightness
I want only to be covered in it, no more splinters on my skin
free of the coolness of the shadows, bury me
in your warmth, support my rifts with yours
align our fractures, with light shining through me,
through you, our dappled darkness disappears
our holes make us whole,
hand in hand, stain in stain
clouds matching in shape and speed, impeding
vanish into one another, us, shrouded in luster
sitting, glowing from end to end,
two pieces of crazed glass.

-Jessica Mary

Shutter

Shuddering, closing in the dark

a gust of wind blows, open, close, open, close

oh, to be like a flower in a field

swaying, smoothly, intentional in every move

from the same wind, that pushes me over

blows me over, I’m a pushover

bring with you hell and high water

I’ll lay silent beneath them, thinking, perhaps

moving not, wanting certainly.

sturdily yearning amidst the incessant quivering

too unsure to budge, hoping I’m forced

don’t want to choose, for all that is wrong

seems always to be mine in all ways

never walking means never falling

never waking means always dreaming

consciousness, in its attempted reason

its torturous sequence, yes, no, yes, no,

maybe, sometimes wrong, never truly right

standing tall then a falling wall

make up my mind, and my heart cries

spilling over, overflowing, I want

but instead in silence I am

feeling only when wind races by

pounding these shutters over me

clouting my spirit, beating my heart

back to life.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #1

What if all I want

is to be in solitude

alongside of you?

- Jessica Mary

Like cracks in crazed glass, we wander.

Hello there. Thank you for coming by. Do you ever feel as though, no matter how familiar everything may seem, how long you've been sleeping in the same bed, how many people surround you that you'd say you knew, your being still wanders about the world, about this life, like cracks in crazed glass? Many things, concepts and people contribute to this seemingly aimless state, and here, amidst my own fractures, I will give you a piece of mine in hopes that through my words and experiences, you may find the glue to pull yourself together. Or, at the very least, that you may find the beauty within your chaos.