tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40616791548198712552024-03-19T05:22:13.396-04:00Crazed GlassJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-11930236348984136392011-01-15T13:55:00.002-05:002011-01-15T13:59:54.790-05:00HaikuYes, I will love you,<br />but only if you promise<br />not to love me back.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-55256594406041813672011-01-02T22:29:00.000-05:002011-01-02T22:31:53.256-05:00A giftEyes shine, glowing heart<br />angel He hid among us.<br />Just to be near her.<br /><br />-From an unexpected source :)Jessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-42187366028613184842010-12-02T21:29:00.003-05:002010-12-03T15:25:37.846-05:00Never.i used to say i could not<br />comprehend the meaning of <br />"never", that i could not<br />imagine saying i would <br />"never" see someone again, or<br />speak to someone again, or<br />do any given thing<br />ever again, that its meaning<br />was indefinite, unknowable, because<br />just as nothing is forever<br />nothing is ever.. never, even<br />"though it is used just as often<br />just as often as it is used<br />it is never true," so i thought<br />to myself i thought these words were<br />true, nothing could be so<br />until, that is, until<br />tonight, in a moment of purity<br />clarity, i thought, there is a never<br />there are many a<br />Never will i sing with Dad again<br />Never will he hug me<br />Never will i talk with him about<br />the events of life, that were always so <br />clear to him, explicable to him<br />Never will i walk with him around<br />the neighborhood we called home<br />Never will i hear him laugh<br />Never will he save me from mistakes...<br />So you see, never exists.. <br />Just as we will Never see the end of Forever, <br />it is also true:<br />Never will my life be as simple as i Never knew it was.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-75944496152274053072010-11-24T09:07:00.006-05:002010-11-24T09:35:17.116-05:00ClarityThe morning brings a sense of clarity<br />so they say<br />after sleeping on the questions of <br />the day, like salt crystals<br />disintegrating with the sweat of<br />the night, absorbed into the skin<br />becoming one with the truth beneath it,<br />gone, evaporated into answers from<br />the center of the subconscious<br />honest, truth but<br />the answers change<br />morning to morning<br />even though the questions remain<br />the same, morning to morning<br />just as the sky presents its blue today<br />its gray yesterday, its nourishing rain<br />before that, the hue of the <br />resolutions change, whilst no<br />decisions are made, no action taken<br />such constant transformations <br />raise more salt beneath a dream<br />is it possible, to not know -<br />to not know the desires of the very essence<br />that breeds all thoughts, all words, <br />all emotions for and about, for, <br />when all that is revealed in several days' time<br />is uncertainty, what other inference <br />could be made? Today it was as clear as<br />it was yesterday, it was the day prior, yet<br />such clarity does not promise harmony<br />in its consistent use, <br />knowing the answer is an impossibility<br />having the answer is not<br />the answer, no,<br />to relish in all that is unknown<br />to revel in the mystery<br />to savor the anticipation of <br />tomorrow's irresolute clarity <br />is the answer.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-11167279316300541722010-11-24T08:39:00.003-05:002010-11-24T09:07:32.310-05:00New to FallApart from his ears and the<br />scent of restaurant in his hair<br />I can't imagine much more<br />that I'd pass by without<br />noticing the looks he gives me, his<br />eyes glued to mine as though<br />unable to pull away, look away<br />intensifying glances, building<br />up to me, but to him, what<br />are these moments that pass to him?<br />just more minutes to melt into the<br />hours just as before? or are<br />these moments creating a future neither<br />he nor I can foresee? I wonder<br />if the small things that turn me off are<br />but large, important things in<br />disguises to reel me in, distract me from<br />his kindness, his endearing insecurity, from<br />his hands that do nothing but create,<br />nourish, beautify all they touch, from<br />his shoulders, his arms, strong enough<br />to carry me, catch me when <br />I fall over and over, it's only <br />moments before I fall again, only<br />the moments build ledges, higher and higher<br />taller than before, the fall will be longer<br />the impact of the bottom, harder<br />but he can catch me..<br />he will catch me<br />if I want him to.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-16332711398127428702010-11-19T14:09:00.002-05:002010-11-19T14:13:58.984-05:00No MoreI give you three words, I <br />feel them from my core and<br />whisper them as I dive into your eyes<br />I love you.<br />Then you give me three in return<br />you feel them throughout your being<br />utter them with intent and emotion<br />I miss her.<br />Why do you choose to <br />hurt me, cut me, rip the flesh<br />from the very heart that beats<br />for you?<br />It leaks the blood that raced through<br />my veins, faster with the sight of you<br />covers my soul, scarlet stains<br />because of you.<br />The pounding in my chest weakens<br />My hand leaps from yours<br />My heavy head falls, weighted and weary<br />Why her?<br />You are ugly in your woe as<br />you wallow in a walled, winter-stricken place<br />colorless, saline from those tears you cry<br />for her.<br />So now you must go, go far away<br />from the splendor of my world, and<br />the beauty of all that I wanted to give<br />to you.<br />Go, so I may strain the venom from my blood<br />and invite the gentle warmth of another<br />to tend to what you have poisoned<br />with care.<br />You have torn me apart for the last time<br />There’s nothing left to break<br />The heart that held the love I had for you<br />Is gone.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-38383003728183205632010-11-18T15:21:00.004-05:002010-11-18T16:00:32.014-05:00Drown, again (10/16/2010)Am I invincible, or am I stuck <br />in taut invisibility, it's getting<br />hard to tell <br />what i'm trying to do while I'm letting myself<br />fall for you, I feel myself heavy<br />sinking deep into this fertile soil, of this<br />riverbed, water rushes past me, seemingly<br />through me it passes, racing with so<br />many things I could crouch down and reach for<br />many things I could learn to want, over<br />time tell me to stop standing here<br />but the weight of this feeling doesn't<br />seem to pass in this stream as I thought<br />it would, it should, it must I fear<br />for the sake of survival, of not drowning as<br />I sink deeper, my ankles covered<br />stains from the richness I miss cover my<br />breast, as once it swallowed me,<br />I sank without attempts to free myself,<br />willingly, passionately, ardently I fell, I nearly<br />drowned then, so why do I so earnestly tempt<br />these depths once more?<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-71027498394217561432010-11-18T15:07:00.005-05:002010-11-18T15:59:59.517-05:00StrangerUnexpected, real darkness in a room of<br />artificial lightness, light artificiality<br />desirably undesireable<br />you sat, I stood, you looked,<br />I saw your head turn in<br />my patient eagerness to<br />feel you move me<br />this way, come that way<br />pleasure in painful curiosity<br />company in thoughtful, artul solitude<br />climactic ecstasy amid a river of depression<br />tides upon waves of peacefulness<br />contentment in solitary togetherness<br />the mystery suffocates to wonder<br />the consciousness deadens to calm<br />the racing of my heart paralyzes...<br />the comfort of you is discomforting, Stranger<br />blackness in my memory causes<br />not fear of dark but relief in this<br />dark your eyes, light your skin<br />I will invite darkness to my yesterdays<br />if it means you may light my tomorrows,<br />as today, so different, so<br />strange to my past, Stranger<br />yet, so familiar to my future.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-76440672614858422132010-11-02T12:13:00.000-04:002010-11-02T12:14:21.755-04:00Make-Up MindI want so much of him but<br />I can’t focus long enough i<br />can’t be sure long enough to show<br />how I truly feel about him<br />his face when he’s concentrating<br />how he bites his bottom lip when he <br />thinks about unnerving things<br />his eyes, when they glass over with<br />thoughts of all he wishes he were, the way<br />he walks toward me and my heart floats<br />atop my lungs, upward toward my throat,<br />trying to escape, trying to reach him<br />trying to reveal itself to him, but it…<br />won’t it be easier if I swallow it down?<br />behind the smile I fake for him?<br />beneath the layers of plastic denial<br />I created for him to melt through?<br />I’m cold then warm then cold <br />toward him I’m drawn but will not<br />let myself<br />be.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-25329403427805838032010-10-20T13:44:00.001-04:002010-10-20T13:44:32.910-04:00CravingCraving,<br />so relentlessly I crave<br />the intangible wrinkles you <br />do not yet have<br />I crave you<br />fifty years from now<br />when your skin has thinned<br />fallen in<br />I crave your<br />future endeavors and<br />everywhere you may go<br />shielding your wrinkles from the sun<br />Craving,<br />all you will be<br />in the days you know so well<br />your age<br />I crave the lines<br />you’ll have beside your eyes<br />deep, accompanying your<br />addicting smile.<br />I crave the gray<br />that will take over the<br />darkness of your hair<br />of your arms.<br />I crave your<br />experience, your<br />memories, all the thoughts<br />that contain us<br />I crave the day<br />I will place my wrinkled cheek<br />to your wrinkled cheek<br />and dance.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-64406982666774391962010-10-07T09:05:00.000-04:002010-10-07T09:06:38.347-04:00this glueSometimes you realize that what you<br />thought would be all the time is nothing<br />but some of your time leaks into the forever<br />you never believed in, and out of<br />it comes and goes as every breath to and<br />from your lungs you pull the strength<br />to move on means to forget, or does it mean<br />to forgive is a true feat, as though your feet step<br />leaving the rest of your body, your essence<br />behind you, so where you are in this moment<br />you are without a part of you, who you are right now<br />is not who you were before, your feet<br />carry you away from the memory, but in that you lose<br />the “you” you were and become<br />someone else, until you find something that can<br />pull you back together,<br />tape, glue and goop<br />like love, faith and peace could possibly do it all, in<br />your mind breaks apart your head, these<br />pieces are the peaces of you, put them<br />together we can do it, I’ve done this before<br />forgiveness has been given for you<br />if you’d just<br />hold still, you’ve put your head on wrong<br />your heart doesn’t go there, let me show you<br />just wait, it will beat again, but here,<br />I’ll help you paste it around your soul, just<br />don’t touch me, I know where this goes<br />stop, I’m too soft, I’ll just build you from the feet that<br />brought you to this<br />stand before me, hands away from me<br />don’t touch me or you’ll mold me, you hold me<br />too hard, I’m covered in your fingerprints, yes<br />those are yours, you don’t remember? It’s okay.<br />stand back, don’t worry, I’ll cover those up, just<br />sit still, let me fix you first<br />I’ll mend me later.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-47598534281106866252010-10-06T12:14:00.002-04:002010-10-06T12:22:51.723-04:00TimeSo often I hear “time heals all wounds” and “just give it time.” The more I think about it, the less I believe such statements. It’s not just time. It’s what you choose to do or not do in that time that heals all. If something happened between myself and another, or myself and the universe (as it seems to be of late), I could very easily obsess over the situation, attempting to fix something that couldn’t be fixed. I could lock myself in my room, wallowing in grief and sadness over what could have been. <br /><br />So, you see, time does not deserve the credit. It doesn’t wait for you. It doesn’t give you pause so that you may heal. It passes regardless. It’s independent of all you experience. It is even when you are not. Thus, time does not heal. It’s the introspection and second-guessing you do to yourself in the days that pass. It’s the thought you put into the situation over the following weeks. It’s the changes you go through in your daily routine, thought processes and feelings. It’s coping with fears and insecurities. And, above all, it’s the forgiveness you show yourself thereafter. <br /><br />I can wait to forgive. I can wait to figure myself out. I can wait to heal myself. Or, I can do it now. I choose now.Jessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-9750866187146536112010-08-26T16:35:00.001-04:002010-08-26T16:36:11.197-04:00hope is in the hidingLost, simply floating<br />amidst an endless abyss<br />of beauty and betrayal, an<br />everlasting ocean of options and<br />indecision, desires and insatiability,<br />aimlessly and without pause I<br />blend into those around<br />me, you cannot see me what<br />you see is not me, but the<br />me you made out of parts of<br />the whole me; no one knows me<br />I'm hidden, flying beneath<br />a knitted shroud, light peeking in<br />through the holes from all directions, stand<br />there, come closer;<br />I'll build your intrigue<br />with my creative hands of mystery that I use<br />to cover my scars, my raw heart<br />the hands that hold my blood, run through it<br />move to the right, you'll see another side<br />come no closer to the holes in my sheath<br />too much you'll never see, back up<br />that's enough of me, leave me<br />to drift about, away, you could never know<br />all of me is nothing to all you want<br />all of me is for only to me<br />turn around, you're blocking the light<br />I can't see all of me with you<br />standing there, beside me, let go<br />I'd rather be lost, shrouded, wildly soaring without end<br />than found, open, bound to your uncertainty.<br /> <br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-27228894482554834832010-08-25T08:39:00.002-04:002010-08-25T08:43:01.502-04:00Haiku #24I love you. I love<br />you. I love you. I love you.<br />It's you that I love.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-84987435644717535362010-08-16T14:27:00.002-04:002010-08-16T14:32:44.629-04:00PeaceI sit in the dewy grass, breathing deeply<br />Imagining the air I exhale is paired with all the dark shadows<br />of my past, present, and impossible futures<br />Imagining the air I inhale is coupled with all the love and kindness<br />of my past, present and tangible futures<br />And in this moment I am at peace<br />I am at peace with the reality of your indifference<br />with the hostility of all the looks around me<br />with all the things that will never be<br />with every moment I shared with him that live <br />only in my memory<br />with every dream I have where he is living<br />with my lack of control over anything<br />but my own actions and, some day, my own thoughts<br />When I let these thoughts go<br />there is no gravity in my world<br />they soar above all emotion and reason<br />and create a world in which there is no selfishness<br />where the pain thrust upon me <br />can be exhaled with all else that is toxic<br />where my love does not go wasted <br />but is finally opened to be given to all that <br />are also open to it, who want it and give it freely in return<br />finally my heart is open to its full capacity<br />I can be free, I can sit in this lustrous bed<br />that nature has made for me, for this moment<br />for this moment, I am truly myself <br />here I can realize my own path, from it all the turns<br />I will never take, the turns that are only distraction<br />I see those that walked with me for many years but<br />that have since moved on from this trail<br />I see those I already know who will walk with me to the end<br />You see, the journey I see you cannot see<br />from happiness to painfulness I am the only one to see it all<br />to feel it all, and I am the only one that must continue down it<br />your journey may take you from my side<br />but I trust you will find your way<br />all I ask is that you let yourself be happy<br />that you let yourself find peace<br />it’s already there, within you, and<br />in God who lives there, too<br />the forgiveness, the joy, the faith, they are already there<br />waiting for you to find them, and just know<br />if ever you need a guide, I will light the way<br />with all the love I have for you.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-25727667229208058192010-08-16T10:49:00.001-04:002010-08-16T10:49:42.799-04:00Haiku #23I must figure out<br />how to be addicted to<br />not being with you.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-72122989142093216182010-08-16T10:44:00.001-04:002010-08-16T10:49:09.062-04:00Haiku #22I sit in a world<br />all my own because all I<br />feel does not matter.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-13697928410129126272010-08-16T09:37:00.000-04:002010-08-16T09:38:00.554-04:00addicted.It’s too painful to watch you but<br />it’s even more painful not to<br />I am helpless to my addiction to <br />hoping you’ll come back to me. <br />A relentless, forceful, hopeless hope<br />it is the only one I shouldn’t have <br />it is the one that could stop my beating heart <br />from wanting anything at all<br />anything at all but you embrace me in every memory. <br />You swim in my blood so <br />I cannot live without you<br />you’ve intoxicated me, each minute <br />in the absence of you is one minute <br />closer to the rest of my life without you<br />I may be able to survive like this<br />but I cannot live like this<br />antagonized, you are not who I know you to be<br />protagonized I cannot bear to see you from afar<br />what once was a whisk is now a throb that<br />pulls in with grief <br />and pushes out for relief, so vain my hope<br />days that pass in bliss are half as<br />happy as they would be if you<br />were with me<br />what’s the point of beauty if<br />all that sticks is ugliness apart from you<br />I’m growing, I swear, a life without<br />you, within me, that strengthens<br />every day I realize you’re not coming back<br />if I can’t fix you, why do I hope in vain<br />for you to want me to? Such wishes only<br />exist to disappoint but I can’t help it<br />I’m still addicted to dreaming <br />of you with me<br />an impossible <br />reality.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-4782124651306970492010-08-15T14:58:00.003-04:002010-08-15T14:58:58.369-04:00haiku #21Maybe you simply<br />always will be a little<br />outside of my reach.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-38104992593467761372010-08-15T14:58:00.001-04:002010-08-15T14:58:31.851-04:00haiku #20Sometimes you have to<br />look through someone else's eyes<br />to see you're just fine.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-82380122541916216142010-08-15T14:57:00.001-04:002010-08-15T14:57:44.810-04:00haiku #19To forgive is to<br />dance in harmony with the<br />love you cannot give.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-52614841362307478962010-08-15T14:55:00.001-04:002010-08-15T14:56:44.827-04:00her/loveIt's only when your heart<br />is broken that you can love<br />to your potential.<br /><br />More room is made for<br />those who accept your love and<br />do not reject it.<br /><br />All the love you still<br />hold is raw, yearning to be<br />given to the world.<br /><br />But know your whole heart<br />cannot be given until<br />you heal it yourself.<br /><br />Know this before you<br />let her leap, because she'll love<br />you before you do.<br /><br />She will sit alone<br />at night wondering why no<br />one will fight for her.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-49315297625059576432010-08-14T20:19:00.002-04:002010-08-14T20:23:31.125-04:00It EndsJust as the clouds pass<br />and transform not one thing we<br />know lasts forever.<br /><br />Joy, pain, love, missing<br />someone who is no longer <br />there.. Everything ends.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-48709009362955112382010-08-14T19:06:00.001-04:002010-08-14T19:12:22.998-04:00EPL"Sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life." - Elizabeth GilbertJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4061679154819871255.post-10965272325892362032010-08-14T18:47:00.002-04:002010-08-14T18:49:58.525-04:00Haiku #18The calm after the<br />storm is much easier than<br />the calm before it.<br /><br />- Jessica MaryJessica Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05113630583088352396noreply@blogger.com0