addicted.

It’s too painful to watch you but
it’s even more painful not to
I am helpless to my addiction to
hoping you’ll come back to me.
A relentless, forceful, hopeless hope
it is the only one I shouldn’t have
it is the one that could stop my beating heart
from wanting anything at all
anything at all but you embrace me in every memory.
You swim in my blood so
I cannot live without you
you’ve intoxicated me, each minute
in the absence of you is one minute
closer to the rest of my life without you
I may be able to survive like this
but I cannot live like this
antagonized, you are not who I know you to be
protagonized I cannot bear to see you from afar
what once was a whisk is now a throb that
pulls in with grief
and pushes out for relief, so vain my hope
days that pass in bliss are half as
happy as they would be if you
were with me
what’s the point of beauty if
all that sticks is ugliness apart from you
I’m growing, I swear, a life without
you, within me, that strengthens
every day I realize you’re not coming back
if I can’t fix you, why do I hope in vain
for you to want me to? Such wishes only
exist to disappoint but I can’t help it
I’m still addicted to dreaming
of you with me
an impossible
reality.

- Jessica Mary