Lost, simply floating
amidst an endless abyss
of beauty and betrayal, an
everlasting ocean of options and
indecision, desires and insatiability,
aimlessly and without pause I
blend into those around
me, you cannot see me what
you see is not me, but the
me you made out of parts of
the whole me; no one knows me
I'm hidden, flying beneath
a knitted shroud, light peeking in
through the holes from all directions, stand
there, come closer;
I'll build your intrigue
with my creative hands of mystery that I use
to cover my scars, my raw heart
the hands that hold my blood, run through it
move to the right, you'll see another side
come no closer to the holes in my sheath
too much you'll never see, back up
that's enough of me, leave me
to drift about, away, you could never know
all of me is nothing to all you want
all of me is for only to me
turn around, you're blocking the light
I can't see all of me with you
standing there, beside me, let go
I'd rather be lost, shrouded, wildly soaring without end
than found, open, bound to your uncertainty.
- Jessica Mary
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Peace
I sit in the dewy grass, breathing deeply
Imagining the air I exhale is paired with all the dark shadows
of my past, present, and impossible futures
Imagining the air I inhale is coupled with all the love and kindness
of my past, present and tangible futures
And in this moment I am at peace
I am at peace with the reality of your indifference
with the hostility of all the looks around me
with all the things that will never be
with every moment I shared with him that live
only in my memory
with every dream I have where he is living
with my lack of control over anything
but my own actions and, some day, my own thoughts
When I let these thoughts go
there is no gravity in my world
they soar above all emotion and reason
and create a world in which there is no selfishness
where the pain thrust upon me
can be exhaled with all else that is toxic
where my love does not go wasted
but is finally opened to be given to all that
are also open to it, who want it and give it freely in return
finally my heart is open to its full capacity
I can be free, I can sit in this lustrous bed
that nature has made for me, for this moment
for this moment, I am truly myself
here I can realize my own path, from it all the turns
I will never take, the turns that are only distraction
I see those that walked with me for many years but
that have since moved on from this trail
I see those I already know who will walk with me to the end
You see, the journey I see you cannot see
from happiness to painfulness I am the only one to see it all
to feel it all, and I am the only one that must continue down it
your journey may take you from my side
but I trust you will find your way
all I ask is that you let yourself be happy
that you let yourself find peace
it’s already there, within you, and
in God who lives there, too
the forgiveness, the joy, the faith, they are already there
waiting for you to find them, and just know
if ever you need a guide, I will light the way
with all the love I have for you.
- Jessica Mary
Imagining the air I exhale is paired with all the dark shadows
of my past, present, and impossible futures
Imagining the air I inhale is coupled with all the love and kindness
of my past, present and tangible futures
And in this moment I am at peace
I am at peace with the reality of your indifference
with the hostility of all the looks around me
with all the things that will never be
with every moment I shared with him that live
only in my memory
with every dream I have where he is living
with my lack of control over anything
but my own actions and, some day, my own thoughts
When I let these thoughts go
there is no gravity in my world
they soar above all emotion and reason
and create a world in which there is no selfishness
where the pain thrust upon me
can be exhaled with all else that is toxic
where my love does not go wasted
but is finally opened to be given to all that
are also open to it, who want it and give it freely in return
finally my heart is open to its full capacity
I can be free, I can sit in this lustrous bed
that nature has made for me, for this moment
for this moment, I am truly myself
here I can realize my own path, from it all the turns
I will never take, the turns that are only distraction
I see those that walked with me for many years but
that have since moved on from this trail
I see those I already know who will walk with me to the end
You see, the journey I see you cannot see
from happiness to painfulness I am the only one to see it all
to feel it all, and I am the only one that must continue down it
your journey may take you from my side
but I trust you will find your way
all I ask is that you let yourself be happy
that you let yourself find peace
it’s already there, within you, and
in God who lives there, too
the forgiveness, the joy, the faith, they are already there
waiting for you to find them, and just know
if ever you need a guide, I will light the way
with all the love I have for you.
- Jessica Mary
addicted.
It’s too painful to watch you but
it’s even more painful not to
I am helpless to my addiction to
hoping you’ll come back to me.
A relentless, forceful, hopeless hope
it is the only one I shouldn’t have
it is the one that could stop my beating heart
from wanting anything at all
anything at all but you embrace me in every memory.
You swim in my blood so
I cannot live without you
you’ve intoxicated me, each minute
in the absence of you is one minute
closer to the rest of my life without you
I may be able to survive like this
but I cannot live like this
antagonized, you are not who I know you to be
protagonized I cannot bear to see you from afar
what once was a whisk is now a throb that
pulls in with grief
and pushes out for relief, so vain my hope
days that pass in bliss are half as
happy as they would be if you
were with me
what’s the point of beauty if
all that sticks is ugliness apart from you
I’m growing, I swear, a life without
you, within me, that strengthens
every day I realize you’re not coming back
if I can’t fix you, why do I hope in vain
for you to want me to? Such wishes only
exist to disappoint but I can’t help it
I’m still addicted to dreaming
of you with me
an impossible
reality.
- Jessica Mary
it’s even more painful not to
I am helpless to my addiction to
hoping you’ll come back to me.
A relentless, forceful, hopeless hope
it is the only one I shouldn’t have
it is the one that could stop my beating heart
from wanting anything at all
anything at all but you embrace me in every memory.
You swim in my blood so
I cannot live without you
you’ve intoxicated me, each minute
in the absence of you is one minute
closer to the rest of my life without you
I may be able to survive like this
but I cannot live like this
antagonized, you are not who I know you to be
protagonized I cannot bear to see you from afar
what once was a whisk is now a throb that
pulls in with grief
and pushes out for relief, so vain my hope
days that pass in bliss are half as
happy as they would be if you
were with me
what’s the point of beauty if
all that sticks is ugliness apart from you
I’m growing, I swear, a life without
you, within me, that strengthens
every day I realize you’re not coming back
if I can’t fix you, why do I hope in vain
for you to want me to? Such wishes only
exist to disappoint but I can’t help it
I’m still addicted to dreaming
of you with me
an impossible
reality.
- Jessica Mary
Sunday, August 15, 2010
haiku #20
Sometimes you have to
look through someone else's eyes
to see you're just fine.
- Jessica Mary
look through someone else's eyes
to see you're just fine.
- Jessica Mary
her/love
It's only when your heart
is broken that you can love
to your potential.
More room is made for
those who accept your love and
do not reject it.
All the love you still
hold is raw, yearning to be
given to the world.
But know your whole heart
cannot be given until
you heal it yourself.
Know this before you
let her leap, because she'll love
you before you do.
She will sit alone
at night wondering why no
one will fight for her.
- Jessica Mary
is broken that you can love
to your potential.
More room is made for
those who accept your love and
do not reject it.
All the love you still
hold is raw, yearning to be
given to the world.
But know your whole heart
cannot be given until
you heal it yourself.
Know this before you
let her leap, because she'll love
you before you do.
She will sit alone
at night wondering why no
one will fight for her.
- Jessica Mary
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
one way
The only me I
know to be is the me you
don't want to be with
right now, you say. So
I'll go on, fearless as I
once was. Love me or
love me not, I will
cope now in the only way
i know. I go. Flying today
tomorrow is just another day
like today
cloud to my left, sun to my right
ahead is nothing i can see
i am blind. i am without hope
without dissatisfaction
without emotion for me
complete with devotion to one
thing i cannot grasp
i cannot seem to have
nothing to anyone worth fighting
for me, someday i will be
until then, i'm on a one way
street to nowhere you know
the only place i know to go
you can't meet me there
over there
you cannot enter here
maybe these heights will be such
that you cannot resist
but know they exist
without them
within me
this is a one way street
wide enough for one.
- Jessica Mary
know to be is the me you
don't want to be with
right now, you say. So
I'll go on, fearless as I
once was. Love me or
love me not, I will
cope now in the only way
i know. I go. Flying today
tomorrow is just another day
like today
cloud to my left, sun to my right
ahead is nothing i can see
i am blind. i am without hope
without dissatisfaction
without emotion for me
complete with devotion to one
thing i cannot grasp
i cannot seem to have
nothing to anyone worth fighting
for me, someday i will be
until then, i'm on a one way
street to nowhere you know
the only place i know to go
you can't meet me there
over there
you cannot enter here
maybe these heights will be such
that you cannot resist
but know they exist
without them
within me
this is a one way street
wide enough for one.
- Jessica Mary
tonight.
If only people
could see the hurt they cause by
words and inaction.
Her eyes scarred without
a wound my skin burnt inside
her stare, razed in grief.
- Jessica Mary
could see the hurt they cause by
words and inaction.
Her eyes scarred without
a wound my skin burnt inside
her stare, razed in grief.
- Jessica Mary
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Haiku #14
Like the wind through the
trees above our heads, my love
for you can’t be stopped.
- Jessica Dillon
trees above our heads, my love
for you can’t be stopped.
- Jessica Dillon
Dad
From beyond the grave
it seems you give me the strength
to be me, always.
Your memory lives
to give an example of
what I should strive for.
I just wish I could
have thanked you when I could still
embrace you after.
- Jessica Mary
it seems you give me the strength
to be me, always.
Your memory lives
to give an example of
what I should strive for.
I just wish I could
have thanked you when I could still
embrace you after.
- Jessica Mary
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Like Slow Venom
like slow venom it sickens
the Pain brought by a truth of heart
as I realize you can’t be here
and I can’t be there
for you, with you is all I can think
I want to be, while with you is all you know
you don’t want me to be.
Like slow venom is eats away
at the heat of my blood
at the strength of my beating heart
each minute is a new fang in my skin
pouring poison, staining all peace pestiferous
more venom, less love
less heart, more uncertainty
more doubt, less willingness
less intention, more loneliness.
Like slow venom it sinks
melting through the thickness
of all I’ve built to protect my
heart, leaving less of it to give
away from all of this I wish to run
but it’s trapped within me
breaking me, piece by piece
who will want to pick up
every piece of me now?
- Jessica Mary
the Pain brought by a truth of heart
as I realize you can’t be here
and I can’t be there
for you, with you is all I can think
I want to be, while with you is all you know
you don’t want me to be.
Like slow venom is eats away
at the heat of my blood
at the strength of my beating heart
each minute is a new fang in my skin
pouring poison, staining all peace pestiferous
more venom, less love
less heart, more uncertainty
more doubt, less willingness
less intention, more loneliness.
Like slow venom it sinks
melting through the thickness
of all I’ve built to protect my
heart, leaving less of it to give
away from all of this I wish to run
but it’s trapped within me
breaking me, piece by piece
who will want to pick up
every piece of me now?
- Jessica Mary
Haiku #7
How is it that some
will always mean more to you
than you mean to them?
They make me want to
erase my memories so
they mean less as well.
- Jessica Mary
will always mean more to you
than you mean to them?
They make me want to
erase my memories so
they mean less as well.
- Jessica Mary
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Hope.
If all that I saw wasn’t real
How can I be lost without it?
A reality within dreams I really
Thought would be dreamt
By the rest of what was real
To me
It seems doubt exists without all
That I imagined, hoped
Hope.
Such a deceitful thing
Cowers upon first glance of what
It truly is. Falls from beneath your feet
That you’d only planted there
For support
In nothingness
Hope can never be honest
Hope can never be trusted
Hope can never be real
When it is nothing you can touch
When it’s nothing anyone else can see
When it’s all you’ve used for your reality
Hope is a cliff
Hope is the end of a fall that never ends
Hope is a figment of all you see
It’s a way for you to believe in things
That will never be
They can never be
Hope will not catch you
Hope will not carry you
Hope will only deny you for it is only
Within denial that it can exist
Without reality.
You let it.
You jumped.
You fell.
You fall.
Hope will never catch you.
- Jessica Mary
How can I be lost without it?
A reality within dreams I really
Thought would be dreamt
By the rest of what was real
To me
It seems doubt exists without all
That I imagined, hoped
Hope.
Such a deceitful thing
Cowers upon first glance of what
It truly is. Falls from beneath your feet
That you’d only planted there
For support
In nothingness
Hope can never be honest
Hope can never be trusted
Hope can never be real
When it is nothing you can touch
When it’s nothing anyone else can see
When it’s all you’ve used for your reality
Hope is a cliff
Hope is the end of a fall that never ends
Hope is a figment of all you see
It’s a way for you to believe in things
That will never be
They can never be
Hope will not catch you
Hope will not carry you
Hope will only deny you for it is only
Within denial that it can exist
Without reality.
You let it.
You jumped.
You fell.
You fall.
Hope will never catch you.
- Jessica Mary
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
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