Haiku

Yes, I will love you,
but only if you promise
not to love me back.

- Jessica Mary

A gift

Eyes shine, glowing heart
angel He hid among us.
Just to be near her.

-From an unexpected source :)

Never.

i used to say i could not
comprehend the meaning of
"never", that i could not
imagine saying i would
"never" see someone again, or
speak to someone again, or
do any given thing
ever again, that its meaning
was indefinite, unknowable, because
just as nothing is forever
nothing is ever.. never, even
"though it is used just as often
just as often as it is used
it is never true," so i thought
to myself i thought these words were
true, nothing could be so
until, that is, until
tonight, in a moment of purity
clarity, i thought, there is a never
there are many a
Never will i sing with Dad again
Never will he hug me
Never will i talk with him about
the events of life, that were always so
clear to him, explicable to him
Never will i walk with him around
the neighborhood we called home
Never will i hear him laugh
Never will he save me from mistakes...
So you see, never exists..
Just as we will Never see the end of Forever,
it is also true:
Never will my life be as simple as i Never knew it was.

- Jessica Mary

Clarity

The morning brings a sense of clarity
so they say
after sleeping on the questions of
the day, like salt crystals
disintegrating with the sweat of
the night, absorbed into the skin
becoming one with the truth beneath it,
gone, evaporated into answers from
the center of the subconscious
honest, truth but
the answers change
morning to morning
even though the questions remain
the same, morning to morning
just as the sky presents its blue today
its gray yesterday, its nourishing rain
before that, the hue of the
resolutions change, whilst no
decisions are made, no action taken
such constant transformations
raise more salt beneath a dream
is it possible, to not know -
to not know the desires of the very essence
that breeds all thoughts, all words,
all emotions for and about, for,
when all that is revealed in several days' time
is uncertainty, what other inference
could be made? Today it was as clear as
it was yesterday, it was the day prior, yet
such clarity does not promise harmony
in its consistent use,
knowing the answer is an impossibility
having the answer is not
the answer, no,
to relish in all that is unknown
to revel in the mystery
to savor the anticipation of
tomorrow's irresolute clarity
is the answer.

- Jessica Mary

New to Fall

Apart from his ears and the
scent of restaurant in his hair
I can't imagine much more
that I'd pass by without
noticing the looks he gives me, his
eyes glued to mine as though
unable to pull away, look away
intensifying glances, building
up to me, but to him, what
are these moments that pass to him?
just more minutes to melt into the
hours just as before? or are
these moments creating a future neither
he nor I can foresee? I wonder
if the small things that turn me off are
but large, important things in
disguises to reel me in, distract me from
his kindness, his endearing insecurity, from
his hands that do nothing but create,
nourish, beautify all they touch, from
his shoulders, his arms, strong enough
to carry me, catch me when
I fall over and over, it's only
moments before I fall again, only
the moments build ledges, higher and higher
taller than before, the fall will be longer
the impact of the bottom, harder
but he can catch me..
he will catch me
if I want him to.

- Jessica Mary

No More

I give you three words, I
feel them from my core and
whisper them as I dive into your eyes
I love you.
Then you give me three in return
you feel them throughout your being
utter them with intent and emotion
I miss her.
Why do you choose to
hurt me, cut me, rip the flesh
from the very heart that beats
for you?
It leaks the blood that raced through
my veins, faster with the sight of you
covers my soul, scarlet stains
because of you.
The pounding in my chest weakens
My hand leaps from yours
My heavy head falls, weighted and weary
Why her?
You are ugly in your woe as
you wallow in a walled, winter-stricken place
colorless, saline from those tears you cry
for her.
So now you must go, go far away
from the splendor of my world, and
the beauty of all that I wanted to give
to you.
Go, so I may strain the venom from my blood
and invite the gentle warmth of another
to tend to what you have poisoned
with care.
You have torn me apart for the last time
There’s nothing left to break
The heart that held the love I had for you
Is gone.

- Jessica Mary

Drown, again (10/16/2010)

Am I invincible, or am I stuck
in taut invisibility, it's getting
hard to tell
what i'm trying to do while I'm letting myself
fall for you, I feel myself heavy
sinking deep into this fertile soil, of this
riverbed, water rushes past me, seemingly
through me it passes, racing with so
many things I could crouch down and reach for
many things I could learn to want, over
time tell me to stop standing here
but the weight of this feeling doesn't
seem to pass in this stream as I thought
it would, it should, it must I fear
for the sake of survival, of not drowning as
I sink deeper, my ankles covered
stains from the richness I miss cover my
breast, as once it swallowed me,
I sank without attempts to free myself,
willingly, passionately, ardently I fell, I nearly
drowned then, so why do I so earnestly tempt
these depths once more?

- Jessica Mary

Stranger

Unexpected, real darkness in a room of
artificial lightness, light artificiality
desirably undesireable
you sat, I stood, you looked,
I saw your head turn in
my patient eagerness to
feel you move me
this way, come that way
pleasure in painful curiosity
company in thoughtful, artul solitude
climactic ecstasy amid a river of depression
tides upon waves of peacefulness
contentment in solitary togetherness
the mystery suffocates to wonder
the consciousness deadens to calm
the racing of my heart paralyzes...
the comfort of you is discomforting, Stranger
blackness in my memory causes
not fear of dark but relief in this
dark your eyes, light your skin
I will invite darkness to my yesterdays
if it means you may light my tomorrows,
as today, so different, so
strange to my past, Stranger
yet, so familiar to my future.

- Jessica Mary

Make-Up Mind

I want so much of him but
I can’t focus long enough i
can’t be sure long enough to show
how I truly feel about him
his face when he’s concentrating
how he bites his bottom lip when he
thinks about unnerving things
his eyes, when they glass over with
thoughts of all he wishes he were, the way
he walks toward me and my heart floats
atop my lungs, upward toward my throat,
trying to escape, trying to reach him
trying to reveal itself to him, but it…
won’t it be easier if I swallow it down?
behind the smile I fake for him?
beneath the layers of plastic denial
I created for him to melt through?
I’m cold then warm then cold
toward him I’m drawn but will not
let myself
be.

- Jessica Mary

Craving

Craving,
so relentlessly I crave
the intangible wrinkles you
do not yet have
I crave you
fifty years from now
when your skin has thinned
fallen in
I crave your
future endeavors and
everywhere you may go
shielding your wrinkles from the sun
Craving,
all you will be
in the days you know so well
your age
I crave the lines
you’ll have beside your eyes
deep, accompanying your
addicting smile.
I crave the gray
that will take over the
darkness of your hair
of your arms.
I crave your
experience, your
memories, all the thoughts
that contain us
I crave the day
I will place my wrinkled cheek
to your wrinkled cheek
and dance.

- Jessica Mary