Without You

As a tree beneath a sky overcast
clouds shielding the bearer of life
I wish I could see your face
smile wide, cry deep,
stare blankly through me;
death would come easy if it were to
come at the end of a life without you;
though I may stand, feet still
the ground you see is nowhere
becoming somewhere only if
it cradles your feet, too;
the air I breathe is empty
it does not sustain my body
unless it comes from your lungs;
the cleansing drops of rain I feel
are the remnants of tears I once cried
no more, so long;
they collect in the barrels of my mind
in hopes that my heart will open
enough to let them out, free them;
Tasteless without the bitter sweetness
of all that you are to me
anything that is to nourish, does not
without the flavor of your skin;
I am faceless if your eyes do not gaze upon me
I am faithless if you have no faith in me
I am empty if you will not love all that is within me
so come, my beloved
so that I may bask in your sun
standing with you, toe to toe
on this ground that does not exist
without you on it
beneath the sky, cloudless in your loveliness
between the paths of those that pass in doubt
before one another, your lips against my forehead
your hands in mine
make me real.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #3

In my mind is a
world where you remain, and we’re
still in your arms, Dad.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #2

It was not before
I came to love you that I
began to fear you.

- Jessica Mary

As Autumn Leaves

As leaves from an autumn tree strewn across by a violent wind
my feelings are thrown into a roaring passion
soaring along at heights my mind cannot reach
they beat against my lips
words try to escape just to be uttered
my skin may break trying to keep them in.
caress my skin with your lips, heal the cracks
keep these affections beneath all you see
perhaps with one more kiss
I will not have to say all that’s building within me
perhaps I can show you these cliffs
and you can show me the other side.
but no, better my skin tear than
the wind die down and not move me
ardently my heart pounds
can you see it beat outside my breast?
my affection is seeping out of my chest
please don’t read it, don’t taste it
all I want is for it to heal, make you whole
but I fear its strength will intoxicate you
I fear you will want it alone
apart from me
I fear without me
it will nourish you still even in leaving me.
And, so I wonder
if these fears only ravage within
because true love cannot exist without
it.

- Jessica Mary

Hoping Downward

Can you not see it?
Love that pours from the blind grasp
you have on my heart.

Against the harsh winds
I'll walk with you, give refuge
to your wanderings.

Beat me down. Make me
the ground, as I want but you
to grow into me.

- Jessica Mary

Heart.

Disquietude erodes my heart, barbarically puncturing
Blood falls through the holes, pouring over my soul
My mind tries to sew, but leaves spaces between
Thoughts of the positive shredded by
The negativity of truth, this reality
Cannot be reasoned with, some things cannot be
Ignorant of my plea, "Please, please me."
"No." Can't shake the inevitable, pain is bound
To come.. bound to me... bound to every chance I take
every leap I make, each feeling I fabricate
I still fall alone, while to you I simply subside
Just as the sanguine fluid of my being spills over
Renders lifeless my heart, unable to hold
Helpless in the rile of my piercing uncertainty
only bred my experience, stentorious doubt
No, reality cannot strengthen but fear
How many times this has been battered
passed only time before I began breaking it myself
to feel your hand around my bleeding heart
such thoughts are my demise, no reality but qualm therein lies
Nothing else left but to breathe pure faith, filling my lungs
though my blood still streams, dark red, staining
more ardent it becomes, eventually building
stones across the hollow, fulcrums against the weak
of my ever-torn, desiring heart.

- Jessica Mary

Empty

For a deep drum to amply resonate
and wholly commit its bellowing richness
it must be fully empty within
so must one's heart be
it must be empty before it can be filled
for it to steadily and truly beat for new love
it must be emptied of the old
which hinders, dampens
inhibits the heart from opening enough
without guard, it deadens the warmth
and eventually abates the desire to beat at all.

- Jessica Mary

Brokenly Bent

Mountains majestic, without intention of perfection
they stand tall, a collection
of broken rock, as I am a mass
of broken experience
waters of rivers, and those that fall
admired in their turbulence, ever changing
as my mind, never certain, always set
to fall in the same place, end
in the same place my heart will bend
just to begin
again.

- Jessica Mary

Life, Half-Hearted

Do you ever wonder why some things happen and some things don’t? Why you come across someone who is to mean nothing to you and lose another that is to mean everything? It has the appearance of a cycle.. a pattern that cannot be identified or predicted. Never-ending. Everlasting. Daunting at times. Haunting at others. It is marvelously terrifying in truth. And heroically deceitful in fiction. Its mischief lies in its inevitable ability to make you believe you have some sort of control, whether through action, inaction, words, silence, regret or faith. However, especially the latter breeds a sort of discontent within my soul, for I hear of this all too often. What is more worthy of fear than to believe in something as some sort of plan for the unforeseen.. a contingency plan perhaps? To pour only half of one’s heart into something just in case that into which the other half is poured is an ominous mistake? For what is a half a heart but no heart at all? What is a partial soul but no soul at all? In the same way, then, one could infer that if all of one’s heart is emptied into something or someone, a memory or a hope, a regret or a gratitude, then there is no more heart to be given to others of the same nature. This is to say, if one’s present being lies in the pain of a past regret, what possible hope can he have for the future? None. Without the emptying of one’s mind, body and soul into one cause, one belief, one matter, he lives with only pieces of each, unable to sustain his true self. Only in this offering is the imperceptible pattern of friends and unfriends, happenings and unhappenings, fully accepted in its unmistakable, relentless nature for what comes and does not come is forever inept to be understood.

- Jessica Mary

Justice Impossible

Parce que je ne sais pas ce que je veux, je crois
Que ce ne peux pas être juste, pas cette fois ;
Je n’aurais jamais dû dire ces choses
Comme mon cœur criait! Et trop tard je l’expose.

- Jessica Mary

Ramblings of What You Don't Know

Sometimes you never know where these days are going to go. Sometimes they bring you up. Sometimes they take you low. A grave day is the first not the last is the only one in which you know where you’re going. The rest are a mess of a life all straightened up, cleaned up, going up, fall down, breaking down. It’s the process from beginning to end to beginning to middle to never to forever to whatever sees it passing does nothing. Affects nothing. We go on with decisions we make trying never to look back when in reality we know we messed up one time, two times, all the time. We cover. We meddle. We peddle back and forth just trying to stay up, but when it falls we always crumble, in whose hands? We’ll never know. I’m in a different place than you are even though you see my feet, they are not grounded in the same place you are. Tomorrow is a different day than tomorrow is for you. It’s a fact to face but could you ever know it even if it stares you in the face? I can’t pretend anymore even though it grabs me by my hand and begs me not to say a word. I’m not faking, I’m not forsaking, I’m simply taking what is mine. What you want to be mine. What’s mine is yours. But what’s yours is not mine. That’s the way it goes I guess. I give, you live. You take, I mistake you for someone I once knew.

- Jessica Mary

Alone

A distantly familiar pain again envelops the body, flooded the heart and saturated the soul as though I were floating amidst it all the while. Then, I was struck. I was dented. I was punctured allowing it to drench me from within. Its intensity numbs my nerves making it difficult to move, to breathe. Its venom paralyzes my mind so any sense, any caution, any means to keep from drowning is rendered powerless. Inherent optimism attempts to float. Overactive imagination struggles to swim. Foolish love wrestles the ferocious falls and engulfing waves flowing from the wound, but all in vain. Any dreams I have labor as though mid flames and not these merciless floods. Out of nowhere this came. One moment my being soared above all trials, all which threatened, and was shot down heartlessly. Left to flail. Left to fall alone. So now, I sit, lie, walk, run, stand… I no longer know. All that is human has left me. I simply am.. I am submerged. I am hurt. I am wounded. But for this, there is no medicine. No cure. No treatment whatsoever. Along this path that is mine alone I came alone I shall go alone is all I know how to be. A minute, a mile, a moment, half of a lifetime is how long I’ll be with you. With her. With him. With all of you. But forever with me. A soul separates from the me you see but remains a piece of the me I’ll never cease to be. Dripping with the watery pain mind, heart and soul are eventually wrung out by what most would call ‘time’.

- Jessica Mary

Crazed Glass

As a sole shard of crazed glass,
sitting in a thousand directions,
see through me, past outside confections,
clear in no one’s eyes, cracked and spattered
intricate imperfection, quiet, momentous agony
peeking through the almost brokenness, light shines
moving across me, shadows moving along
like the sun through leaves amidst eager winds
beneath the tender radiance, dusted in its brightness
I want only to be covered in it, no more splinters on my skin
free of the coolness of the shadows, bury me
in your warmth, support my rifts with yours
align our fractures, with light shining through me,
through you, our dappled darkness disappears
our holes make us whole,
hand in hand, stain in stain
clouds matching in shape and speed, impeding
vanish into one another, us, shrouded in luster
sitting, glowing from end to end,
two pieces of crazed glass.

-Jessica Mary

Shutter

Shuddering, closing in the dark

a gust of wind blows, open, close, open, close

oh, to be like a flower in a field

swaying, smoothly, intentional in every move

from the same wind, that pushes me over

blows me over, I’m a pushover

bring with you hell and high water

I’ll lay silent beneath them, thinking, perhaps

moving not, wanting certainly.

sturdily yearning amidst the incessant quivering

too unsure to budge, hoping I’m forced

don’t want to choose, for all that is wrong

seems always to be mine in all ways

never walking means never falling

never waking means always dreaming

consciousness, in its attempted reason

its torturous sequence, yes, no, yes, no,

maybe, sometimes wrong, never truly right

standing tall then a falling wall

make up my mind, and my heart cries

spilling over, overflowing, I want

but instead in silence I am

feeling only when wind races by

pounding these shutters over me

clouting my spirit, beating my heart

back to life.

- Jessica Mary

Haiku #1

What if all I want

is to be in solitude

alongside of you?

- Jessica Mary

Like cracks in crazed glass, we wander.

Hello there. Thank you for coming by. Do you ever feel as though, no matter how familiar everything may seem, how long you've been sleeping in the same bed, how many people surround you that you'd say you knew, your being still wanders about the world, about this life, like cracks in crazed glass? Many things, concepts and people contribute to this seemingly aimless state, and here, amidst my own fractures, I will give you a piece of mine in hopes that through my words and experiences, you may find the glue to pull yourself together. Or, at the very least, that you may find the beauty within your chaos.